cusps and such

I’m on the cusp of change. I’ve been in a similar place before: I need to move on from one thing, so I build the next thing in parallel and live in the untenable space of duality until something snaps. I should have moved on already, but I don’t know how to give up the past. I don’t know how to grieve.

I could be glib and chalk it up to my Saturn Return. I’m there, at least at the beginning of that transit. And certainly at the root of my unease is something about being my own authority. For all my confidence, I really don’t trust myself. Or the future.

I suppose what I’m wrestling is the illusion of security. In truth, I’m objectively more stable than I’ve ever been. But I’m also probably more skittish, too. The cost of wisdom / perspective is that you actually know what can go wrong.

Of course, I also know what can go right. So why not focus on that?

I’ve been reading Epicurus, and trying to take in his principle of pursuing pleasure — which is as much about avoiding things from which we take no pleasure as it is about enjoying anything. That’s always been a struggle for me.

Change will happen whether I’m taking pleasure in my life or embracing the pain. Simple choice, eh?

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