_{In Urgent Care awaiting x-rays, after cleaning myself up on Wednesday, 7 June 2023.}

I broke my nose. I tripped on a threshold and hit the bridge of it squarely on the edge of a stair. I heard the bone crack. There was a lot of blood. The blood was scary, but I didn’t lose consciousness. If anything, I became hyperaware of what was happening. I was fortunate not to have been more hurt. Even more, I was incredibly lucky to be surrounded by compassionate people who helped me and took care of the mess I made.

I don’t believe there’s meaning in an event like this, but I do believe in cause and effect. I’ve been off my game — not necessarily doing subpar work, but rather I’ve been distracted by too much happening around me, by making commitments too casually, and by allowing all the things competing for my attention to erode my sense of mindfulness — and in this instance, my situational awareness. I’ve experienced this before. I’d like to nip it in the bud.

I like being useful, so it’s difficult to say ‘no’ when requests come my way. Utility is a source of security. I’m one of those people who believes they need to earn their place in the world. As a queer person and as an adopted person, I understand the sociological dynamics of this belief, but that hasn’t helped me navigate an effective strategy for mitigating it. I suppose that means it’s useful to reflect on it again. So here I am.

I’m also thinking about aging and the fragility of the body. I used to be able to juggle more — and probably fall down with fewer adverse effects. Distracted by the blood pouring from my face, I didn’t notice that in my fall I’d also twisted my knee and sprained a finger. While I’ve experienced a little discomfort from the broken nose, the real affect of the fall has been systemic. I’ve been ‘out of alignment’ and our of sorts. I’m exhausted from my body’s processes of healing. I’m not nearly as resilient as I used to be. 

The vulnerability I’m feeling is probably more sensible than the naive way I’ve been navigating my days. It’s uncomfortable, to be sure, but it may be the key to my dilemma. I have different limits today — never mind from my youth, palpably different from those I had when I arrived in Provincetown a decade ago. It’s not to say that I can’t remain useful and very productive (the very matters to me), it’s more that the ‘how’ has to change. Whereas in the past I relied a great deal on physical endurance, going forward I’ll more rely on the strength of my mind. 

I’m taking today ‘off’ — whatever that means. I’ve never been good with free time and haven’t taken a proper vacation in my life. It’s just after noon and I’m starting to get antsy. I doubt ‘time off’ is a strategy that will work for me. But every exploration starts with a step. Hopefully this one won’t result in any trips.