Hypothetical Personal Ads in Middle Age

Man Seeking Man: Looking for “Betsy Wyeth-type” — with proven ability to steer another’s modest creativity into multi-million dollar empire. Must like rural living and time alone.

Man Seeking Man: Aspiring to ‘head-over-heels’ love situation. But not clingy. Or dysfunctional. Must own car.

Man Seeking Men: Looking to be third in thruple situation. Ideally one partner must thrive while undertaking domestic activity and the other should be bonkers for gardening. Both should be prepared to attend to each others emotional needs while giving me space.

Man Seeking Man: Working artists seeks partner who understands 24/7 intensity of creative practice. Must like dogs.

Man Seeking Man: Coffee achiever seeks honesty in relationship with professional. Must like coffee. Tea drinker acceptable.

Man Seeking Man: Avid reader seeks man with ‘books on tape’ speaking voice. Boot aficionado preferred.

Man Seeking Man: Dish fetishist seeks man to set my table. No water spots.

Man Seeking Man: Whitmanic painter seeks Thoreauvean malcontent for Transcendental bullshit. Must be okay with gluten intolerance. No Emersonians.

Man Seeking Man: Independent man seeks independent man for public appearance of interdependence.

Man Seeking Man: Intense dude seeks acceptance. You should enjoy sunset walks on the beach.

Man Seeking Man: Semi-bohemian seeks semi-bohemian for mutual support and meal sharing. Must understand difference between Roth-IRA and IRA.

Man Seeking Man: Early riser seeks same for hibernation situation in North Atlantic town with no off-season commerce. Must know how to bank a fire. Biphasic sleeper preferred.

Man Seeking Man: Inveterate walker seeks same for adventure. Must understand that sand walking is bullshit.

To be continued another night when I’m bored at work…

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